We're almost there...

I know it's been awhile. I feel bad for neglecting this blog for so long. I'm now 33 weeks along. I've been keeping myself fairly busy with... just about anything that will keep me distracted from this pregnancy. I guess that's a big part of why I haven't posted much here or on my Facebook page. The less I think about the pregnancy, the less I worry about the outcome. Of course, at this point, with my due date only 7 weeks away and a future soccer player going crazy in my belly, it's hard not to think about it.

This has definitely not been an easy pregnancy. I should have known I couldn't go the whole nine months without any complications. The most recent being that I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes. It is not a severe case, so it shouldn't be an issue controlling it with diet alone. I know it could be a lot worse and I am thankful that this is all we're dealing with.

I went back and forth on whether or not to prepare for this little guy's arrival (yes, we're having a boy :-). A big part of me wanted to only get the absolute necessities, and then wait until after he was here to get anything else we needed. But I just couldn't do that. I know he doesn't know the difference, but I just couldn't ignore this growing baby inside me. God has given him to us, and I want to celebrate him. So his drawers and closet have adorable clothes in them, we've had one baby shower with another one in the next couple of weeks, and the car seat will be installed in just a few short weeks. I realized a few weeks back that I've actually planned more for this baby than I did for Hope. The Lord knew... I still struggle daily with the "what ifs," and most things said about Cookie after his birth are followed by thoughts in my head along the lines of "If he lives." But the Lord has gotten us this far, and I know that no matter what happens, He'll continue to see us through. There's nothing else for me to do, but to hold on to that promise and take it one day at a time.

2 Corinthians 12:9a "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.

Our First Balloon Release

We weren't able to do the balloon release for Hope's birthday on her birthday, but we were able to the day after. We've decided that for the foreseeable future, we'll release one balloon for every year on her birthday.

I've known for awhile that I wanted to do a balloon release for Hope's birthday, and somewhat understood the reason behind a balloon release as a memorial, but never really put much thought into beyond that. I just knew I liked the idea and wanted to do it as another way to "celebrate" Hope's birthday. I had no idea of the impact it would have on me. As I mentioned in my last post, I was somewhat in denial on Hope's birthday, so this being the day after, it all seemed so much more real for me.

We had gotten 3 other balloons (two pink and one "Happy Birthday" Mylar balloon) to leave at Hope's grave, but as we were getting out of the car the wind caught one of the pink ones and it was gone. That's when it really hit me. Just like that balloon, my daughter was gone and there was nothing we could do to bring her back. So instead, we do little things here and there to remember her and to feel like we're close to her. Releasing balloons is one of those things.

 Hope's Balloon

Maybe Hope can see them up in Heaven. I like to think she can.

  

Hope's 1st Birthday

Well, it's finally here. The date I've been dreading for quite some time. It's been a weird few days for me. I've somewhat reverted back to how I felt the weeks following Hope's death - in denial and overwhelmed by people.

I wanted to think about Hope, remember her, and make this day all about her; yet my brain would not let me focus. It just doesn't seem real. We did a couple of different things for her birthday, and yet the whole time there was some kind of disconnect. How do you process the fact that your trying to celebrate your daughter's first birthday, when she's not even here. She should be walking/running around laughing and playing, instead, we're doing what we can to keep her memory alive. The only time it felt real today was when we were standing over her grave tonight. Please don't think me morbid. I'm just trying to be honest.

So how did we celebrate Hope's birthday? I had originally planned a party, complete with cake and ice cream. But the closer we got to her birthday, the more I realized it would be best to keep the day more low key, and I'm so glad I did.

With Hope's birth being so close to Christmas (and the fact that you can find the word Hope on so many things) we received quite a few ornaments last year. We decided that it would be special for Hope to have her own Christmas tree and to set it up on her birthday. Our plan is to add one ornament to it each year from now on.

We also bought a little Christmas tree to put out at her grave and a cute little snowman. The other flowers are from family and friends. 

Cards and flowers from family and friends.

This day was definitely not what we wanted or expected, but we did what we could to make it a special day. And though it does not make it all better (or better at all), it is comforting to know that Hope is having the best birthday she could ever have celebrating it with her Creator. I guess we're learning an important parenting lesson now. What's best for our children is not always easy for us.

-----For those of you who haven't made it to your child's special day, remember it's okay to do what's best for you. If having people come over to remember your child together is what's best for you, then that's what you should do. But if you'd prefer to be alone and do something small (or nothing at all), then that's what you should do. I know it's easy to do (and that others think it irrational  - don't listen to them), but you don't need to feel guilty for throwing a big get together for a child that is no longer here, for doing nothing at all, or doing anything in between. Your child knows you love him/her no matter what you do on that day.-----

In Memory of Hope Ann Lewis - Gone Too Soon

"The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart;" Psalm 34:18a

Our Rainbow After the Storm

Nine months doesn't really seem like that long to wait to get pregnant, but when it's after a full term stillbirth, it seems like forever. 

Our wait is finally over, though. On August 12th, my husband and I found out we were expecting again. Our sweet rainbow baby is finally on his/her way. 

What is a rainbow baby? 

A "rainbow baby" is a baby that is born following a miscarriage or stillbirth.In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.The storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continues to cope with the loss, but something colorful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.

-The Urban Dictionary

My husband and I couldn't be happier to have another little one on the way. Hope is going to be a big sister!

As happy and excited as we are, these last 16 weeks (that's how far along I am) have not been easy, to say the least. Our roller coaster ride continues as we take each day at a time hoping and praying we get to bring home a healthy baby this time around. The problem is, we're no longer so naive to think that getting pregnant and making it to full term means bringing home a baby. I knew it would be difficult, but I had no idea how difficult. It's gotten a little better now that I'm out of my first trimester and am feeling the baby kick, but I can only image how nerve racking it will be once I get close to full term. 

Being pregnant after losing a child is hard, not only because you're terrified of losing another child, but also because of what people think and expect. 

First of all, everyone expects you to be excited. 

Now, don't get me wrong, we are very excited to be pregnant again - but we're also terrified. We're excited to be pregnant, but terrified of losing another child, and it meets somewhere in the middle that looks like indifference (at least for me it does). A big part of why we waited as long as we could to tell people we were expecting is because we really didn't want to talk about the pregnancy with others. How do you really explain this to people that have no idea what it's like? 

Secondly, many people expect you to be "all better" now that you're expecting another baby.

Really? Well, it's far from the truth. I probably think about and miss Hope more now than I did in the few months before getting pregnant again. As with any mother, we love all of our children, and having a second child does not lessen our love for our first. If I had to guess, I'd say that this is the one thing that women expecting their rainbow baby wish everyone else understood. 

But despite the difficulties, we are so thankful to be blessed with another child. God has answered our prayers and now we can only trust Him for the outcome. Praying that at the end of April, we'll be able to bring home a perfect, healthy baby. 

1 Samuel 1:27

"For this child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of him:"

"Cookie" at 9 weeks

Why can't we just be happy?

Now before I go on, please remember that there is a big different between happiness and joy. 

My husband and I went on our first real vacation last week. We went to Glacier National Park in Montana. It's absolutely gorgeous up there and we had a great time, but...

For those of you who have been through what we have, you probably understand where I'm going with this. As fantastic of a vacation as it was, Hope was always on our minds. We'd be laughing, having a good time, and then just look at each other knowing we were both thinking the same thing - "I wish Hope were here with us." It's hard to completely enjoy anything when there is such a sadness surrounding you and weighing you down. 

I feel that it's somewhat easier to go through our day to day lives without getting too down. Day to day life wasn't something I necessary "planned" for while pregnant. But I dreamed of outings and vacations and all sorts of fun things to do with her. None of those things will be a reality now. And that realization is very difficult to deal with. 

It's the same thing with holidays (even minor ones like the 4th of July). I was pregnant last 4th of July and I remember sitting there waiting for the fireworks thinking, "This time next year, we'll have our little baby with us. She'll be 7 1/2 months old. I can't wait!" But instead, I sat waiting for the fireworks with no baby in my lap watching everyone else cuddle with their children. It's so very, very difficult. 

Life goes on, but in a way, it feels like our lives have come to a complete stop. We must now learn how to live life all over again. To live life with a pain that will never completely go away.

"Loved with a love beyond telling. Missed with a grief beyond all tears."

Our Vacation

You're Not Helping.

DISCLAIMER: This post is not meant for anyone in particular. We (those of us in the baby loss community) know that you don't understand and do not expect you to, but we also know that there are those out there that genuinely want to help. This is something that we'd really like to explain to you.

I'm just going to jump right in, because there is really no easy way to say this.

Acting like nothing ever happened DOES NOT HELP. In fact, it makes things worse. Just because our child is no longer with us, does not mean he or she didn't exist. Pretending like it never happened makes us feel even more isolated and alone.

I get it. You're afraid that if you bring up our child, it will make us sad or it will make us cry.  First of all, you can't make us more sad than we already are that our child is not with us.

Here's an easy way to explain this. Parents, particularly those with small children, your child is on your mind practically all of the time, right? It's the same for us. Just because our child is not with us, doesn't mean we don't think about him or her a lot. They will ALWAYS be our children, no matter how long they've been gone.

Here's another thought. As a parent of older children, at what age did your child stop being on your mind all day? I can imagine it's YEARS. So why do people expect us to just move on in MONTHS? Just a thought.

So by trying to ignore what has happened doesn't make us less sad it makes us more sad.

I'm not saying that every time you see me, you bring up my child. But what I am saying is don't act like it never happened and don't expect me to act like it never happened.

Don't know what to say? Words aren't always necessary. Sometimes just a hug or a handshake is all that's necessary. For instance: there's a man I know. He hasn't mentioned Hope in quite awhile, but almost every time I see him, he comes up to me and gives me a hug and a knowing look. He doesn't have to say anything. He remembers Hope and he remembers me. And I appreciate him for it.

Words are good too. If you really do want to say something, just tell the person you're thinking about them and that you're praying for them. It's encouraging and they'll appreciate it. This is particularly true during holidays or special dates (birthdays or "death days").

And lastly. Mother's Day and Father's Day. It doesn't help to exclude us, but "Happy Mother's Day" or "Happy Father's Day" isn't quite what we want to hear. Believe me, it's not a happy day. The best thing you can do is to do as I stated above. Simply say, "I'm thinking about you and praying for you today."

To all that took the time to read this, I think I speak on behalf of of everyone in this community - thank you.

"A friend is one who strengthens you with prayers, blesses you with love and encourages you with hope."

Easier said than done.

Would ya'll like some more honesty?

I've really struggled over the past few months with keeping up with my devotions. Why? It's not because I'm mad at God. It's not because I'm trying to "avoid" Him. Since Hope died I have had ZERO motivation to do anything. There are two things that I usually do: absolutely nothing (which usually involves watching TV or aimlessly strolling through Facebook) or doing everything possible to keep my mind occupied so that I don't have to think (which is usually working, beading, or cleaning - because it HAS to be done).
Reading the Bible doesn't fall under either of those categories. Reading takes motivation and some energy and it takes thought. As I sit and read, I must think. I must work through what the verses are saying and what they mean to me. And I must work through the death of my daughter.

It's necessary. It's important. And it's hard.

But today is a new day. I will strive to do better. I will strive to put more time into the most important relationship there is - my relationship with God.

So what's easier said than done?

James 1:2-3 " My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into diverse temptations (various trials); knowing this, that the trying (testing) of your faith worketh (produces) patience." 

Wow! Really? 

You want me to "count it all joy" when my daughter has died? 

Now, it's not saying that I should rejoice because my daughter died. But I should rejoice in that through this trial, if I persevere, I will come out on the other side more like Christ.

2 Peter 1:6 "And to knowledge temperance (self-control); and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness;"

Romans 5:3-5 "And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience; and experience, hope: and hope maketh not ashamed (does not disappoint); because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us."  

Either way, it's still hard. Most days, it is encouraging and helpful to hear from others, that we have helped them in some way. And that's what the rejoicing is all about. Rejoicing that God is being glorified through this awful trial. That I'm growing in Him and allowing Him to work through me.

BUT... that's not always the case. There are some days where I don't care. All I care about is that my daughter is gone. That's great that other people are getting their lives together because of something I've said, but that doesn't bring Hope back.

That's my battle. It's easy to get mad and bitter (and I'll admit that I am both at times). But that doesn't help. And that definitely doesn't bring Hope back either. So I take it one day at a time, and that's what you should do as well. Just because you've had a bad day and you're angry and bitter, don't think that you've failed. Tomorrow is a new day. Choose to allow God to use you. Choose to bring glory to God through your trials.

Lord, I want to be more like You. I want to come out on the other side a better Christian. I want to bring you glory. But right now, I am in the middle of the storm. Some days are good, but other days I struggle to keep my head above water. I need your grace and strength to make it through on top. Please give me that grace and strength. 

"Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee."  Psalm 143:8